Sins Trilogy
by NemKess
Summary: Warnings: Disturbing subject matter. Cathy and Trowa are in love, but something from their past tears them apart.
1. Sins Unknown

authors note: this was written in response to a conversation on one of my MLs. The subject matter is somewhat disturbing. It is angst, but there is no rape, no death or anything of that sort. NemKess

Sins Unknown

written by NemKess

warnings: some of this is disturbing; shonen ai

Catherine hummed under her breath as she put the finishing touches on the birthday cake. Trowa had recently confided that he had no clue when his birthday was or how old he really was so she'd decided to take matters into her own hands. Everyone needed to have a birthday. And she hadn't been able to have a party for anyone she'd loved since her parents and her brother Triton had died.

"Catherine?"

She jumped and nearly crushed the cake as Quatra's voice sounded directly behind her. She put a hand to her chest in an effort to calm her heart before turning to face the apologetic young man. "Qu.. Quatra.!"

"I'm sorry, Catherine. I thought you heard me come in." She waved her hand, and gestured for him to sit. "Oh, no thank you. I won't be staying long. I just wanted to drop this off for Trowa and to have a word with you."

Cathy was a little wary as she braced one hip against the counter and watched Quatra struggle for his words. It hadn't been that long ago that the two had been rivals for the affection's of a certain silent clown and though he'd chosen her in the end, she knew that Quatra's feelings were as strong now as they had been then.

The golden brow of her guest wrinkled before smoothing back into a placid, unthreatening mask. "I just wanted you to know that there's no hard feelings. Trowa's happiness is all that really matters to me and if you're the one that can give him that, then I'm glad." A sad, somewhat sardonic smile settled on his lips. "Not as glad as I would have been if it had been me, but that's all water under the bridge, as Duo would say." He handed her the small gift in he'd been holding and turned to leave. At the threshold he looked back at her. "Take care of him. If you don't, I'll be upset and even I don't like me when I'm upset."

She just nodded mutely and watched him leave. Sympathy welled up in her heart. She wasn't as much of a bitch as some of the other pilots, namely Duo, had decided she was. She hadn't wanted Quatra to be hurt. She just couldn't help it if they both fell in love with the same guy. 

"Cathy?" Trowa's voice broke her reverie. 

"Don't come in here yet Trowa!" she called out pushing the cake and the present up into a shelf. The party she'd planned wasn't for another hour or so and she didn't want him to see it. 

"Cathy? Was that Quatra I just saw leaving?" Was it her imagination or did he seem wistful? Forcibly shoving her jealousy back to the corner of her mind, she bounced over and opened the door.

"Yup! He was um.. He just said he was leaving the area, that's all." Her fingers crossed behind her back and she leaned out the door to wrap an arm around his neck. "Coming in?" she asked huskily as she nuzzled his neck.

Quatra and everything else was quickly forgotten.

Life was good, Cathy decided. Well, besides the fact that all of Trowa's non-circus friends hated her guts. That much had been painfully obvious at the party they'd had earlier. She frowned and snuggled up closer to her lover. 

Had they all decided that Quatra was the only person good enough for their friend? Or maybe it was just her they didn't like. Either way, she knew without a doubt that they would never forgive her for the unpardonable sin of keeping the two apart. Even the vice-Foreign Minister, who'd come with Yuy and was rumored to be a very nice person, had barely been frostily polite. 

"Cathy? Is something the matter?" She smiled and shifted to rest her chin on her hands so that she could look at his face.

"Nothings wrong, Trowa. I was just thinking, that's all."

"I'm sorry about how everyone treated you. I didn't realize they were all so resentful."

She reached up and smoothed back his hair with one hand so she could see both eyes. "Don't worry about it. It's to be expected. Quatra is their friend, I'm just an outsider that butted my way in."

He just sighed and nodded his head sadly. "I suppose. I can't say it doesn't bother me though. I guess it was too much to ask for, but I really wanted my friends to like you. I-"

She smiled and put her hand over his lips. "It doesn't matter, Trowa. All that counts is that you like me."

He kissed her fingertips lightly and smiled back. "Well, that's a given," he stated as he pulled her close.

They lay in silence for a few more minutes before Cathy asked the question that had really been bugging her all night. "What was in Quatra's gift? You seemed awfully choked up."

Trowa was silent for a long moment and she wasn't sure he'd heard her. She was about to ask again when he rolled over and got out of the bed.

"Trowa?" Afraid she'd pushed too far, she sat up and watched as he went over to a bag and rifled through it, looking for something.

He took out something that looked like an old photo frame from her position on the bed. Kneeling there, he ran reverent fingers over the surface for a moment. Catherine couldn't' help the surge of jealousy that rose in her again. Would their entire life be like this, she wondered. Would she always be worrying that he would change his mind and go to the sweet blonde?

When he stood and walked back over to drop the picture in her lap, she just stared at him. 

"I left that at Quatra's at some point. I'm not really sure when. He always said it made him feel like I was nearby. By giving it back, he was saying he acknowledged that anything we might have had was over. It's the only thing I have of the past I can't remember." At that, she finally looked down at the faces staring up at her. Her eyes widened and she put a hand over her mouth as her stomach churned threateningly.

"Who is this?"

"According to one of the older mercs who found me, that's me and I assume my father. He said they found it near me. Down the road there was a burnt out wagon with a dead man and woman in it. He said that the little boy was definitely me and that he thought the man was the same one that was in the wagon. The bodies were burned pretty bad, but apparently the likeness was close. I don't know. I wasn't much older than that when it happened, so I don't remember."

Dropping the picture frame, Cathy just stared blankly.

I knew it was too good to be true, she thought vaguely. Her entire life had been like that. The second things started going her way, something always happened. Something or someone always snatched her happiness away. She smiled bitterly. And to think I was worried about Quatra.

"Cathy? Cathy what's wrong?" She jerked away from his touch and threw on her robe.

She completely ignored his worried inquiries as she shoved past him and out of their trailer. 

She was running without any thought to where she was going or what she was doing.

Faster and faster, her only thought to get as far away from that picture as she could.

She wasn't sure how far she'd ran when she stopped and found herself in front of an old looking Catholic church. She gave no thought to the fact that she wasn't Catholic, or even all that religious at all, before she dashed in. In the back of her mind she could hear her mother's soft voice explaining that some people found comfort in such places. Comfort was definitely what she needed now.

She managed to stumble up to the altar before she collapsed underneath Mary's outstretched arms and began to sob. It wasn't fair. 

"What is wrong my child?" Wild tear drenched eyes flew up to meet those of an elderly priest. 

Maybe it was his kind eyes, or maybe she just really needed to know, but she couldn't stop the question. "Is it a sin if you didn't know you were doing something wrong?"

If the priest was surprised by her abrupt question, he didn't show it. He just smiled softly and helped her up and over to a pew. For a long moment, stared up at the statue of Mary as if she would answer for him. With a sigh, he turned back to her. "God is just. If there was no malice or evil intent in your heart, then I believe he will not deal harshly with you."

With a last pat on her hand, he stood slowly and left her there to mull over his words.

Although her sobs were gone, she still felt broken inside.

Images flashed through her mind. Trowa standing resolute while she threw daggers at him. Trowa talking softly to the lions. Trowa asleep and content after a night of shared passion. Trowa smiling sweetly when she presented him with his birthday cake. Trowa lost and alone in the rain. Trowa.... Trowa.... Triton...

The End?? Who knows??


	2. Sins Revealed

Sins Revealed written by NemKess

Sins Revealed  
written by NemKess

Duo was the one who found her.

He scowled down at her lithe form where it was curled up on the church pew. Though she was asleep, there was obviously nothing restful about her slumber. He could see the dried tear tracks on her cheek.

With a sigh he sat down at her feet, absently noting their bareness.

He thought back over the last couple of days as he stared at her. Another sigh escaped and he turned his gaze to the statue above the altar.

A distraught Trowa had called them all three days ago. Cathy had run off into the night taking nothing and wearing only her nightgown and a robe. He'd had no idea what had upset the woman, and no clue to where she may have went. Though reluctant, they had gathered back at the circus and began searching for her.

It hadn't taken long to figure out that the woman was still somewhere on the colony. That had begun the systematic search of every nook and cranny in the largest colony in the L3 cluster. For three days they'd been searching. 

He leaned back in the pew and stared up at the statue of the Virgin Mary.

What in the hell had bothered Catherine so much that she had taken refuge in a church?

Duo waited a few more minutes before shaking her awake. "Catherine, wake up. It's time to go."

"Huh?" Her lids opened about half mast before dropping once more and she rolled over onto her other side. And was jolted awake as the movement caused her to tumble to the floor. 

"What the hell is wrong with you woman?" He asked, pointedly ignoring the disapproving glare that a passing nun shot at him. He wanted answers. "Do you have any idea how worried Trowa is? Do you? He's frantic, looking all over the place for you." By this time she'd managed to pull herself back onto the pew and was just staring rather dazedly into space. That lack of response just grated on his already irritated nerves. He took her shoulders and shook her roughly until she jerked away from him and scooted back, glaring from a safe distance. "Well? What the hell do you have to say for yourself?"

She just flinched and looked away. 

Now, Duo Maxwell had been accused of many things in his lifetime. Being patient was not one of them. Never the less, he somehow managed to dredge up enough to keep from snapping at the woman. "I don't like you and I never have, but I thought you'd at least show a little consideration for Trowa." When she still refused to even look at him, he sighed and stood up, one hand outstretched. "Whatever. Come one, we need to get you back to Trowa before he gets any **more **upset."

"No." It was inaudible, more a release of breath than an actual word, but Duo's ears had been trained to hear what the average person couldn't.

"No? What the hell do you mean by that?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

He could see the internal struggle. It was obvious that she didn't want to tell him.. That she didn't want to talk about it at all. It was just as obvious that she needed to tell **someone** or it was going to eat her alive.

"Did you know that I'm an orphan, Duo?"

He scratched his head, unsure of where this was going. "I guess.. Trowa might have mentioned it. I don't really remember."

"My parents died when I was five. But before that, we were so happy even though we were poor. Even though we lived in a circus wagon. My mom... my dad... my little brother. We were so happy." She'd trailed off and though she was staring straight at him, Duo had the distinct impression that she wasn't seeing him at all. "He was the cutest little boy, two years younger than me. I loved him so much. I promised Triton I'd be the best sister in the world. That we'd be together forever and that I'd protect him from anything that would hurt him." Tears had begun to trail down her cheeks, but she didn't seem to notice. "But I guess we were **too **happy. We used up all our happiness too soon. The men came one day and attacked. I don't remember why. They just did."

As silence lingered between them for a moment, Duo wanted to comfort her in some way, but knew it wasn't possible. When she spoke again, her voice was even lower and he had to strain to hear her.

"I guess I passed out... The next thing I remember is waking up in the fortune teller's wagon. They said that the wagon had burned and my family had burnt with it. Triton was only three. Still just a little boy, and I didn't protect him like I said I would. I let him die."

"Cathy-" 

She continued, completely ignoring his attempted interruption. "Even worse, though.. I never went back to see if it was true. If they were really gone. I just took the old woman's word for it. I never let myself wonder if it was possible.. If one of them might still be alive."

He took her shoulders and shook her again, more gently this time. "It wasn't your fault Catherine. You were just a little girl." She nodded even though there was still doubt in her eyes. "And what, exactly does this have to do with Trowa?"

"That summer- before they were killed- the circus had portraits taken of all the acts. Since Triton was too young to really do anything and Mama and I did a different act than Daddy, they took three of us. One of Mama and I, one of Daddy and Triton, and one of us all-as a family. The ones who rescued me had managed to save some of my stuff. Two of the pictures were in the box, a little burnt, but still okay enough. The other was never found. In fact, I'd forgotten all about it until the other night." He still didn't understand and it was starting to frustrate her. "Trowa has the other picture, Duo."

"So?" He shrugged his shoulders and glared at her. "Are you telling me that you're mad at Trowa because he stole your picture? Sheesh, I'm sure if you ask he'll give it back."

This time she actually growled and hit him in the back of the head. "How dumb are you?! He's had it for as long as he can remember! He has it because it belongs to **him**!" 

A vague suspicion crossed his mind and his stomach lurched at the idea. "You mean-"

She just nodded dejectedly. "Trowa Barton is really Triton Bloom." A distinctly unamused laugh escaped. "My lover is my brother."

Duo grimaced. Out of all the scenarios he'd imagined, he had to admit, that wasn't one of them. And he could certainly understand why she'd had to get away. But...

What now?

She just shrugged helplessly when he vocalized that question. 

They sat there, staring at the statue of Mary, for quite a while as if hoping it could provide all the answers to their dilemma. 

When Catherine finally moved again, she stood up and stretched the kinks out of her arms and wrinkled her nose. She had, after all, been sitting there in the same clothes for three days. She sighed softly and turned to Duo. "I'll have to leave now. I can't face him again. Not knowing what I know. I won't tell him, either."

"But Catherine-"

She held up a small hand to stop him. "It's better this way. He can move on to Quatre and live with a clear conscience. He may wonder and he may despise me, but at least he'll never have reason to despise himself. He'll never have to live with this sick feeling in his gut whenever he remembers that he slept with his own sister." The look on her face, so full of self directed disgust pulled at his heart.

"What do you want me to do?"

It was 2 days later when Duo sat among his friends, offering what comfort he could to Trowa while doing his best not to look the other man in the face. He knew if he did, there was no way he would be able to keep his promise. No way he would be able to keep from telling the circus clown everything he knew. And that included his own part in helping Catherine get off the colony without anyone knowing.

After securing some clothes and a little cash for her, he'd took her to the shuttle bay and called in a few favors. Once she was off and everyone had been sworn to secrecy under the threat of severe repercussions, he'd walked to the nearest mail drop, and dropped off the letter she'd given him for Trowa. Then he'd continued on pretending to search with the rest of them.

Then it was just a matter of waiting for his friend to get the letter, which had happened that morning.

Duo just prayed that no one had cause to ask him any questions because then he'd really be in between a rock and a hard place. He couldn't lie, but he couldn't break his promise either. So far, only Heero seemed to have noticed his own odd behavior, but the former Zero pilot had yet to corner him about it. And he wasn't about to stick around long enough for that to happen.

"Trowa, man, I hate to do this to you, but I really gotta go. Hilde's trying to run the salvage yard all by herself ya know."

"Of course, Duo. I'm sorry to have kept you so long with my problems."

Internally, he winced, but on the outside, he managed to put on what he hoped was a comforting and guilt-free smile. "Don't worry about it, buddy. That's what friends are for." The words tasted bitter in his mouth, but he wasted no time thinking about it. He made a hasty exit. Unfortunately, he'd only gone a handful of steps before he felt that piercing glare drilling a hole in his head.

"Duo-"

"Don't ask, Heero. For God's sake, and Trowa's, just don't ask." Heero seemed taken aback by the seriousness of his tone, but after a second's thought nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"I'm going to trust that whatever you're hiding would be worse on Trowa than this already is. If I find out differently..." He trailed off the warning with a meaningful look and Duo finally found some amusement in the whole situation.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he said with a light grin. "You'll kill me, right? You're getting too predictable, old man."

He actually chuckled at the self-righteous look of annoyance that settled onto his friend's features. "See ya around."

With a careless wave, he started off towards the shuttle bay. He really needed to get home and see Hilde. And he promised himself that he'd remember to say his prayers every night, not only to thank God for the happiness he had with her, but to ask that all of his friends somehow managed to find some of their own.

Especially Trowa and Catherine.


	3. Sins Absolved

Sins Absolved  
written by NemKess

"Cathy!"

Kate Bailey, formerly Catherine Bloom, froze for a minute. No, she thought. It can't be him. Not after all this time. Please let it be someone else.

Fate had never been particularly forgiving when it came to this one woman and sure enough, when she turned around, she could see a familiar tall figure striding through the crowded zoo with another equally familiar figure being drug behind him. 

"Cathy, wait up!"

Although every instinct in her body was fairly screaming at her to run, she took a deep breath and steeled herself for the encounter. She used the time it took for Trowa and Quatre to catch up with her to study the man she had loved and left so long ago. The last ten years had been kind to him, she thought. He'd grown a little taller, filled out a little more, but was, for the most part, the same beautiful creature who had stolen her heart. Quatre too looked far better than any body had a right to. And he looked every bit as uncomfortable as she felt as the pair drew up along side of her. He'd ever been the polite one of the gundam pilots. Cathy could only imagine how awkward he must feel trying to reconcile his deep dislike and instinctive hatred of her with his equally deep belief that hating was wrong. Not that she blamed him. She'd hurt him as deeply as she'd hurt Trowa all those years ago. With his sensitivity, maybe even more. 

"Hello Trowa. Quatre," she spoke quietly, barely above a whisper. "What a pleasant surprise." It wasn't though. As much as leaving him had hurt, she would have much preferred never seeing either of them again. Time and distance, even the knowledge that he was her brother, had done nothing to change the love she'd felt.

Quatre was looking at her oddly, perhaps he sensed what was still in her heart, perhaps he was just leery of the possible ramifications of the situation, but Trowa was completely oblivious to the fact that both his companions were silently longing to be anywhere but there. 

Cathy remembered that look, and knew that he was determined to have some answers. Fortunately, she'd had years to plan for this occasion. Ten long years.

"Isn't it though? How are you, Catherine?" She turned her attention to her one time rival and smiled softly in gratitude. Still a peacemaker, still trying to make everyone comfortable, despite his own feeling.

"Fine, thank you. And you? Are you.. both well?" Her voice caught for a moment, but she still managed to get the whole question out. She knew they were both fine. Nine years ago, the media had been scandalized when the youngest Winner had announced their marriage. Oh, it hadn't bothered anyone that he was marrying a male. What had everyone titillating was the fact that he was marrying a _circus clown_, a poor man with no known real name at that. For anyone other than Quatre Raebaba Winner, it would have been political suicide. For him, it had been considered a made for TV romance frequently compared to Romeo and Juliet. Cathy had always had to stifle the urge to point out that the lovers at the end of that particular play _died_. Despite Quatre's request that the media leave his spouse alone, the pair could frequently be found in the news. In the early days, there had been a haunted quality to them both. As time went on, she'd noticed that they both looked more happy and at peace.

"Yes. I guess you must have heard." 

"Well, it was big news at the time. I'm glad to see you're both happy."

"Why?" It was the first thing Trowa had said since they'd caught up with her and she could hear the belligerence and hurt in his voice.

She deliberately misunderstood him, hoping he wouldn't force the issue. "Everyone should be happy, Trowa. It makes the world a better place."

_Good grief_, she thought. _That sounded rather trite._

"Dammit Cathy, that's not what I meant and you know it!" She flinched and ducked her head as she noticed people staring at the angry man in front of her. She'd never heard him so much as raise his voice in the entire time she'd known him and now, here, he was practically screaming.

"Please, Trowa. Don't make a scene," Quatre begged as he ran one hand up and down his lover's back. Cathy could only watch, wistfully, as the pair leaned against one another. 

If only things could have been differently. It would have been her arms that Trowa sought instead of Quatre's. But things weren't different, and she had to live with that. It didn't mean that Trowa and Quatre did. 

"Why did you leave?" It was the blonde who posed the question that Trowa couldn't seem to get out calmly. 

"What does it matter now? You're together and you're happy, the way it should have been all along. What good can come from dredging up the past?" She knew she sounded old and weary. Funny, she was only thirty-two but most days, she felt at least twice that.

"He deserves to know."

_No_, she thought. _He deserves not to be burdened with the knowledge. He deserves not to know that pain. _Still, she had to tell them something or they'd never leave it alone. There was nobody in the world as stubborn as a gundam pilot; nothing except _two_ gundam pilots. 

"I could see the way you felt, Trowa. It was in your voice that night. It killed you to choose me over Quatre. I can remember wondering if I'd have to live with the jealousy and insecurity for the rest of our lives. That would have come between us. We'd have grown to hate each other."

He scowled at her. "So you did it for me?" His disbelief was evident.

_Yes. _"No, I did it for all three of us. I couldn't live like that Trowa. Always wondering if you were going to leave me, always wondering if maybe he really wasn't the better choice. Having your friends looking down at me. I just couldn't. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough." She paused to catch her breath and then used her last ace. "Besides, can you honestly say you would have traded these last years with Quatre for anything? Even I can see how much you love each other."

There was no softening in Trowa's expression as he stared her down and she had to will herself not to flinch from that look. Finally, he just snorted to himself and turned around, stomping off in the other direction.

Catherine and Quatre stood together, watching him for a moment before the blonde man turned back to her.

"For what it's worth, Catherine, we are glad to see that you're okay. We've all been worried for you."

She smiled faintly and pulled him close for the hug she hadn't been able to give her brother. "Please take care of him, Quatre. All I want is his happiness."

He gazed at her thoughtfully. "And what about your happiness?"

"I'm happier now, than I thought I could be when I left. It's enough for me." She held his gaze, willing him to see the truth. When she'd run out that night, she'd thought her life completely over, thought that she could never glue her shattered soul back together. It had taken years and one damn good reason to live to keep her from just ending it all. Now there were days when it caught up with her, when the wrenching pain was too much to ignore, but overall, she was content. Hell, some days she was even happy. As long as Trowa was happy and with someone he loved, then it really was enough.

Quatre seemed to gauge her words before nodding slowly and hugging her back. "I'll always take care of him, you needn't worry."

"Thank you."

"No, thank you." He pulled out a card and handed it to her. "You should write every now and then, just to let us know that you're still okay. No matter how he seems now, he will appreciate it."

"I will. Goodbye, Quatre."

He smiled and waved before jogging away to catch up with his mate.

Cathy just watched for a moment before sighing to herself. 

"Mum! Mum! Come look at the camels! They're so cool! Ray says they live in the desert, did you know that? But how come they're here? There's not a desert here. Mum!" She turned and smiled at the tall boy who came running up to her and the smiling man that was following him. The first man she'd met in almost eleven years that didn't mind the fact that she had a ten year old son. The first man who actually had a chance at filling the empty places inside her. "Mu-um! Are you listening to me?!"

"Of course, Triton. Why don't you and Ray take me to these camels, hmm?"

"He's quite fond of them, Kate. They have a few set aside to ride, but I thought we'd best get your permission first."

"I think it'll be fun." She linked arms with both of them and let them lead her away. "Let's go." 

_Goodbye, brother._

She didn't look back.


End file.
